This happened to me the other day when I was driving the girls home from the orthodontist. The CD player in the van was cycling through the CD's and suddenly a song started to play that overwhelmed me with grief. The song is by Francesca Battistelli and is called "Angel by Your Side"
I can't say that everything's okay
'Cause I can see the tears you're crying
And I can't promise to take the pain away
But you can know I won't stop trying
I'll be the angel by your side
I will get you through the night
I'll be the strength you can't provide on your own
'Cause when you're down and out of time
And you think you've lost the fight
Let me be the angel, the angel by your side
I know it feels like you're running out of faith
'Cause it's so hard to keep believing, oh
But if I can bring the smile back to your face
For a moment you'll forget all about it, oh
I'll be the angel by your side
I will get you through the night
I'll be the strength you can't provide on your own
'Cause when you're down and out of time
And you think you've lost the fight
Let me be the angel, the angel by your side
'Cause this won't be the last time
You'll need a little hope
But I wanna be the first to let you know
I'll be the angel by your side
I will get you through the night
I'll be the strength you can't provide on your own
'Cause when you're down and out of time
And you think you've lost the fight
Let me be the angel, the angel by your side
Oh, let me be the angel, the angel by your side, oh
The angel by your side
As I would drive to the hospital at 4 am, I would pray for Dad and listen to this whole CD. This song would make me weep. Dad did not want to be in the hospital by himself so Jen and I would take turns just being there. He would sleep better and be physically more comfortable if we were just there with him. I would sit in the chair next to his bed with a flashlight and read my Bible or another book and pray over him. He would periodically just open his eyes to see if I was there. I wanted to help him "get through the night" and be his "strength". Even now it makes my eyes fill.
This "upsurge of grief" happened at a not very convenient time (driving while sobbing can be dangerous!) and it certainly wasn't very much fun, but I am "supposed" to allow them to disrupt my day. In fact, I am supposed to expect them and let them happen, at least according to one book on grieving.
Once we made it home safely, I realized that it had been about 6 months since Dad died. It seems so long yet so short of an amount of time. I have a couple of Dad's sweatshirts that I wear. I have realized that I miss his hugs most of all and wearing his sweatshirt is like having a hug (or as close as I can get).
I really do not enjoy this grieving process and tend to push the emotions aside, which it seems, is the wrong reaction! At least according to the "experts". I guess it is ok to just be sad sometimes. Jesus wept too.
